Unspun‘s friend in Malaysia Mei sent him this useful email on employee evaluations, an exercise very much on people’s minds at the end of the year. Unspun thought you might find some of these real examples of employee evaluation statements useful:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
2. His team would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely-won’t-be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When he opens his mouth, it’s only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
7. This man has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. This employee should go far – the sooner he sets off, the better.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t looking.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
14. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
15. Donated his brain to science before he had finished using it.
16. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
17. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It’s hard to believe that he beat one million other sperm.
20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.